The Elvin Book of Fairy Tales
by Pyro Dragon 117
Summary: The LOTR crew star in all of your favorite fairy tales! Watch as Aragorn becomes a fearless prince, Arwen sleeps for 100 years, Legolas loses his slipper and.... Sauron becomes a fairy? What the heck? HETRO and SLASH, request for pairings welcome.
1. Sleeping Beauty

Disclaimer: I dun own anything..... WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!  
  
Title: The Elvin Book of Fairy Tales  
  
Rating: PG-13  
  
Pairings: Various  
  
Warnings: OOCness, slash, random insanity, nothing that really needs worrying about  
  
Fairy Tale for Chapter: Sleeping Beauty  
  
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Once upon a time a King and Queen longed for a child. They waited many years and finally their wish was granted, which was a good thing because the Queen went into menopause about a month later. They had a beautiful baby girl that they named Arwen. They were so happy, they asked seven fairies to be her godparents, but this was mostly because they wanted the fairies to grant Arwen gifts to make her perfect.  
  
At the ceremony, each fairy was given a gold plate, knife, and fork; because this way the fairies would be even more bribed to give gifts the Arwen. And they also prepared a dress for each fairy. But that didn't work out so well, since all but two of the fairies were boys.  
  
So the guests sat down (most of them were still grumbling about the gifts), but just when they were about to pig out, an eight fairy came into the hall! This fairy was SAURON!!! And it would have been very frightening if it weren't for the fact that everyone was on the ground laughing because Sauron was a fairy.  
  
So anyway, since no one had seen Sauron for fifty years they didn't invite him or have a gold tableware set for him. Taking this as an insult (because he was to stupid to think otherwise and it didn't help that the other fairies inched away from him when he sat down), Sauron sat down grumbling and plotting his revenge (along with the other guests that weren't happy about their present).  
  
One fairy, Eowyn, saw that Sauron had a look of evil glee on his face, and excused himself so that she might undo any evil that Sauron would curse upon Arwen.  
  
When the feast was over, the fairies each cast their wondrous gifts upon Arwen.  
  
The fairy Frodo gave Arwen the gift of beauty.  
  
The fairy Sam gave Arwen the gift of wisdom.  
  
The fairy Denethor tried to give Arwen the gift of oil and then tried to light her on fire. He was kicked out (literally) and is now being used as Nazgul food.  
  
The fairy Legolas gave Arwen the gift of musical talent.  
  
The fairy Galadriel gave Arwen the gift of grace.  
  
The fairy Merry would've given Arwen a gift, but he was too bust getting drunk and singing with Pippin (who wasn't even supposed to be there). They were also kicked out.  
  
Then Sauron cast a spell. "Arwen will prick her finger on a spindle and die!" he cackled.  
  
Eowyn stepped forward. "Arwen will not die! She will fall into a deep slumber for 100 years and then a prince shall wake her!"  
  
"Yeah, because saying that she's just not gonna die is WAAAAAAAAAAAY too stupid," Galadriel snorted.  
  
Eowyn growled. "You wanna fight?!" she yelled as she went all battle mode.  
  
"Bring it on, bitch!" Galadriel yelled as she changed into the green monster Galadriel. A bitch fight ensued and everyone had some good entertainment for the evening.  
  
Ok, so anyway, even with a beat up Eowyn's (although she did win) assurance that Arwen would be okay, Elrond ordered that ever spindle in the Kingdom to be burned.  
  
"Uh, sir?" Legolas said. "You can't order that. The Kingdom's democratic and they have a right to vote."  
  
Elrond went off into a corner grumbling. But later he used his super-duper elf powers to burn all the spindles in the kingdom, and mass chaos ensued for several days.  
  
Arwen grew into a beautiful young woman. She had all the gifts the fairies had given her so she was almost perfect. When she was PMSing, however, it was an entirely different matter. But let's not go into that, alright?  
  
Many princes from many lands asked for her hand in marriage. Arwen refused them all. Well, actually Arwen thought that they were all fine, but they were all men and Elrond refused to let his daughter marry a mortal, because he thought they were inferior to elves.  
  
One day Elrond took Arwen to a castle in the country. While she was attempting to hide from Elladan and Elrohir, she found a little room at the top of one of the towers. There sat an old lady, spinning thread, using a spinning wheel and spindle. But the old lady was really... THE WITCH KING ANGMAR!!!! And he was sent by Sauron to make Arwen prick her finger!!!!  
  
Arwen had never seen a spinning wheel and spindle before, so she asked the "Old lady" if she could try. The "Old lady" nodded, and held out the spindle. Arwen took hold of the spindle, but pricked her finger and fell down in a deep sleep.  
  
"Now Arwen will be asleep forever!" Angmar cackled as he untransformed from the old lady. Unfortunately for him, Eowyn was out for his blood at the time since he had killed Theoden, and heard him, and she ran up to the tower and killed him. Then she spotted Arwen on the floor....  
  
Eowyn groaned. "Why did it have to ME who found Arwen?" she grumbled and then went to tell Elrond what had happened to poor Arwen.  
  
They tried to wake Arwen, but it was in vain. Finally Elrond ordered the servants to take her to the finest room in the castle, and lock it so that poor Arwen wouldn't fall victim to Elladan and Elrohir's pranks.  
  
There, on a bed embroidered with gold and silver, Arwen lay like a sleeping angel.  
  
"It is well that the princess sleeps in peace," Eowyn said, "but I am worried that when she wakes she will find herself among strangers."  
  
"But we're elves," said Elrond. "We're immortal."  
  
"ARE YOU QUESTIONING ME?!?!" Eowyn screamed at him.  
  
O.O "No ma'am...."  
  
"Good!" And Eowyn took her wand and touched everything in the castle. All the servants and soldiers, the horses and watchdogs, and even Arwen's own pet spaniel, Mopsie, lying next to her on the bed, They all fell asleep, too. Then, to keep anyone from harming Arwen, Eowyn encircled the castle with a forest of brambles and thorns so thick no one could get through, and so high that only the very tops of the castle's turrets could be seen above the bushes.  
  
A hundred years went by. Another royal family came to rule the Kingdom. One day the King's son, Aragorn, was riding out in search of adventure (actually he was trying to get away from this Mary-Sue fangirl that kept following him around), when he glimpsed what looked like the towers of a castle rising above a gloomy forest that wasn't really a forest at all, just lots of prickly little thorns that really hurt if they get you in the butt. Just ask the hyena's from "The Lion King". They know all about the evil little thorns.  
  
Anyway, Aragorn questioned some passersby, who agreed that the towers were indeed those of a castle. But some said it was full of ghosts, some that it was the haunt of witches, and others that a foul ogre lived there who ate children. Then an old farmer spoke up: "As a boy, I heard that a beautiful princess sleeps in that castle, waiting for the prince who will wake her!"  
  
Aragorn's heart pounded with excitement, and he set out at once for the castle. Because if he saved the princess, then he could get laid! And he could get rich! Even more so! And he could brag to all the other princes about it! And even if he didn't get the girl, he could brag that he had an adventure that consisted of many perils! It was a win-win situation!  
  
When he reached the forest surrounding the castle, the thickets of brambles and thorns mysteriously parted to let him through. But Aragorn wasn't a pansy prince, so he took another path and hacked his way through with his trusty sword Anduril.  
  
He reached the courtyard and marveled at all the bodies of people and animals that lay, as if dead, all around him. Obviously, someone had bewitched them. Aragorn grinned. Now he could break the spell and get an even bigger reward! YAY!  
  
He went into the guardroom and saw the gaurds standing in line, pikes at their shoulders, snoring away. Very loudly. Aragorn had to cover his ears so that he wouldn't go deaf. Then he went into each room in turn until at last he found the chamber where the princess lay sleeping.  
  
Aragorn (Having read many fairy tales in his youth) knew just what to do. He kissed Arwen and she awoke with a smile on her face.  
  
"Is that you, my prince?" she asked. "I have waited for such a long time."  
  
"Actually, I was just hoping to get some money and get laid...." Aragorn said nervously,  
  
"WHAT?! You mean I waited one hundred years just to have a one night stand!!!" Arwen yelled.  
  
"Err... Yeah..."  
  
Arwen sighed and then got out of bed, taking his arm. "At least your better than those two stewards sons...." She said gloomily.  
  
Now Aragorn, being the kind gentleman that he is, said, "Well, I suppose I could marry you..."  
  
"OH THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!" Arwen cried happily. And she dragged Aragorn off to be married, despite Elrond's screams of, "HE'S A MORTAL MAN!!!!"  
  
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Pyro: WHOOHOO!!! MY FIRST LORD OF THE RINGS FIC!!! I FEEL SPECIAL!!! (Does a little happy dance)  
  
Legolas: --UUUUU You need help....  
  
Pyro: I know. Isn't life great?  
  
Legolas: --UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU 


	2. The Lame Fox

Disclaimer: If I owned LOTR, do you really think I would be writing this? NO! I'd be dead and enjoying myself in heaven right now!!!  
  
Title: The Elvin Book of Fairy Tales  
  
Rating: PG-13  
  
Pairings: Various  
  
Warnings: OOCness, slash, incest, slight character bashing, random insane stupidity... o0  
  
Fairy Tale for Chapter: The Lame Fox  
  
Ethnic Origin of Fairy Tale: Czech  
  
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There once was a man named Gaffer who had three sons. Two were bright boys, but the youngest was a foolish lad. That having been said, I'm sure you can already guess that the foolish one is the story hero, right?  
  
Now, Gaffer's right eye was always laughing, but his left eye was always weeping. Gaffer's sons decided to ask him why this was so.  
  
The eldest son asked, but Gaffer threw a knife at him. Obviously Gaffer was depressed and mentally unstable, and needed professional help, but the sons decided to take the stupid way to find the problem. So anyway, the second son asked and the same thing happened. Both sons fled. But only an idiot wouldn't flee from a depressed and mentally unstable person with a knife.  
  
Then the third son, Sam, asked. Gaffer seized the knife, but Sam did not run. After all, Sam had been to Mordor and back, fought against orcs, fought a giant spider and won, avoided the gaze of Sauron, saved Frodo from dropping into a volcano, and he was still alive. A knife was not going to scare him. So Gaffer put down the knife and said, "My other two sons are cowards (A/N: No, they just know when's a good time to run), but you are brave, so my right eye laughs. But my left eye weeps because my magic vine, which gives twenty-four buckets of wine a day, has been stolen."  
  
"First, why does ANYONE need that much wine a day, and second, your vine was stolen 20 years ago and you haven't gone to look for it yet?" Sam asked with an eyebrow raised. Gaffer went on stuttering for a few moments before muttering "Stupid Sam."  
  
The three brothers agreed to set out in search of the magic vine. The road forked three ways, and each took a path. The two older boys soon met up once more (although how this happened is beyond anyone). "Praise Elebreth, we've managed to shake off that ninny!" they laughed and sat down to eat the food they had brought. Along came a lame he-fox (even though it was supposed to be a she-fox. But the authoress doesn't really care at this point), looking very hungry. But the brothers didn't spare him a crumb; they just said, "There's a fox! Let's kill it!" Obviously these to are inhumane foul humans whom I shall hurt severely later because they tried to hurt a poor fox. The fox limped away.  
  
When Sam sat down to eat, the same fox came up to him. "These are hard times," he said. "Share my meal." Obviously Sam in much more humane than his stupid brothers. Except to Gollum. But everyone is inhumane to Gollum, so that doesn't really count.  
  
After they had eaten the fox said, "Where are you going?" Now like I said before, this would've shocked Sam, but he had seen too many other things to think that this was strange. But Sam told her everything anyway.  
  
"Follow me," said the fox.  
  
They came to a garden. "The vine is in there," the fox said (don't ask how he knew; we'll just pretend the fox is magic). "You must pass twelve guards. Their eyes are open, but they are asleep (obviously the guards are elves). You'll find a gold shovel and a wooden shovel. Dig up the vine with the wooden shovel and come back to me."  
  
Now Sam would've dug up the vine with the wooden shovel, but that would be straying from the story line TOO much. So, by demand of the authoress, Sam forgot what they fox had said, and took up the gold shovel. Although why anyone would want to dig with a gold shovel is beyond me. It must be really heavy and get tiring after awhile. As soon as Sam pushed it into the ground, it woke the guards, and they took him to their master.  
  
"But the vine is my fathers," Sam exclaimed, even though he could have really cared less about it.  
  
"That may be," said the lord, "but I will not give it back unless you bring me the golden apple tree that bears golden fruit every day."  
  
Why anyone would want golden fruit was beyond Sam, but he went back to the fox and the fox said, "Follow me." He took him to another garden and said, "To reach the golden apple tree, you must pass another twelve guards. By the tree are two poles: a golden one and a wooden one. Take the wooden pole, beat the tree, and come back."  
  
"Umm... How does beating it get the tree to us?" Sam asked.  
  
"I don't know, that's just what you're supposed to do," replied the fox.  
  
So Sam went to beat the tree, but he 'accidentally on purpose' beat the tree with the golden pole and woke the guards. The lord said, "I'll give you the tree, if you bring me the golden horse with the golden wings."  
  
Sam groaned. What did everyone think he was, their errand boy? He liked traveling through Mordor better than this, and that was really saying something.  
  
Sam went to the fox and the fox said, "Follow me." He led him through a dark forest (no, it was not Fangorn forest) to a farmyard (no, it was not Farmer Maggot's farmyard) and said, "First you must pass twelve guards. The golden horse is in a stable and hanging near it are two bridles: one of gold and one of straw (although how anyone could make a straw bridle is beyond anyone). Bridle the horse with the straw one and ride him back to me."  
  
Now this was going to be a difficult task for Sam, because he's a hobbit and therefore very short. So we're going to just magically place a foot stool in the stable, ok?  
  
Sam 'accidentally on purpose' bridled the horse with the golden bridle and woke the guards. "The lord said, "I'll give you the golden horse if bring me...OIL!!!" Then Denethor saw the authoress glaring at him. "Err, I mean, I'll give you the golden horse if you bring me the golden girl in the golden cradle."  
  
Sam went back to the fox and the fox said, "Follow me." He took him to a cave and said, "Inside the cave, past the twelve guards, is the golden girl, rocking herself in her golden cradle. Nearby is a huge specter, screaming, 'No! No!' Pay it no mind. Pick up the golden cradle, and bring it to me."  
  
"Uhh... Shouldn't I be putting the golden girl in a wood cradle or something?" asked Sam.  
  
"Hey, I don't make the rules, I just tell them, ok?" said the fox.  
  
This time, Sam was finally able to do something right instead of 'accidentally on purpose' doing the wrong thing. They went back to the farmyard and the lad said, "The golden girl is so beautiful, it seems a pity to give her up." So the fox changed himself into a golden girl, except his eyes were a fox's eyes. The lad gave the fox-girl to the lord, and took away the golden horse.  
  
That night, Denethor was gazing at the golden girl when he cried out, "You have a fox's eyes!" The girl changed back into a fox, which ran to where Sam was waiting with the real golden girl and the golden horse. Denethor didn't really care. All he wanted was oil.  
  
The fox next changed himself into the golden horse, except he still had a fox's tail. Sam swapped him for the golden tree. Later, when the lord was admiring the horse, he said, "You are so beautiful, except for that scruffy fox's tail!" The horse changed back into the fox, scratched the lord very badly for calling him scruffy, and then ran to where Sam was waiting.  
  
Last the fox changed himself into a golden apple tree and Sam swapped her for his father's vine. But as the lord was admiring the tree, he suddenly said, "How strange! The apples look like fox's heads!" And the tree turned back into fox, which ran off to join Sam, the girl, the horse, the tree and the vine.  
  
On the way home Sam encountered his brothers. They threw him down a well and stole his treasures. But when they took them back to their father, the vine wouldn't make wine, the apple tree wouldn't bloom, the golden horse wouldn't neigh and the golden girl wouldn't smile. And still their father's left eye wept.  
  
Meanwhile the lame fox rescued Sam from the well. While he lay gasping for air on the grass, he changed into.....  
  
FRODO BAGGINS!!!!!!  
  
"SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM!!!!" Frodo cried as he flung himself at Sam.  
  
"MR. FROOOOOOOOOODOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!" Sam cried as he caught Frodo and hugged him.  
  
"I was so scared, Sam! Gandalf turned me into a fox and I was so scared I would be a fox forever. But them I found you! But I couldn't tell you because of the spell! I'm so happy its broken Sam!" Frodo said happily as he hugged Sam tight.  
  
"Everything's alright now Mr. Frodo. Your Sam is here. Everything is alright," Sam said as he stroked Frodo's hair gently.  
  
"Oh Sam," Frodo said as he kissed Sam. And even tough this story is supposed to end with the fox turning into a princess and Sam marrying the golden girl and his brothers getting their just desserts, I'm not going to do that. Because to happy hobbits together is WAY batter than marrying a golden girl.  
  
The End  
  
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Pyro: YAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!! Fluffy hobbit action! :-)  
  
Sam and Frodo: (cuddled up in a corner)  
  
Golden Girl: What about me Sam?! Don't you want me?  
  
Sam: NO! FUCK OFF!!! (Gives her the finger and continues cuddling Frodo)  
  
Pyro: Awwww....... :-) 


	3. The Frog Prince

Disclaimer: I dun own anything...... BUT ONE DAY I SHALL!!! ONE DAY, I WILL RULE THE EARTH!!!!! MWUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! (Cough) Err... Yeah...  
  
Title: The Elvin Book of Fairy Tales  
  
Rating: PG-13  
  
Pairings: Various  
  
Warnings: OOCness, slash, random insane humor, possible incest...... Nothing out of the ordinary. Except maybe the incest thing..... o.O  
  
Fairy Tale for Chapter: The Frog Prince  
  
Ethnic Origin of Fairy Tale: German  
  
Author's Notes: THANK YOU ALL WHO REVIEWED!!!! Oh, I should mention.... Any and all flames will be thrown right back in the person's face with ten times the nastiness. Constructive criticism, however, will be met kindly and is always welcome. So remember, flames are bad, constructive criticism is good. Arigatou (Bows).  
  
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Long ago there lived a king named Elrond who had a beautiful daughter named Arwen. But this story doesn't focus on her. So forget about Arwen, and let's go to the star of the story..... ELLADAN!!!  
  
So, near Elrond's castle there was a forest and in the forest was a well. Although why there was a well in the middle of the forest is beyond anyone. But anyway, that was were Elladan liked to play with his golden stink bomb.  
  
One day- splash!- the stink bomb fell into the well. Elladan didn't really mind until he realized –gasp!- that was his last golden stink bomb!!!! First Elladan ran around screaming and cursing and acting like the teenager he was. Then he began to cry, because the authoress decided he strayed to far from the plot line and threatened to take away all of his pranking stuff if he didn't get back on track.  
  
"What's wrong, Elladan?" croaked a voice. But there wasn't anybody there, just a frog.  
  
"Is that you, old puddle-squelcher?" Elladan sniffled, but only because his pranking stuff was at risk. "My golden stink bomb had fallen into the well."  
  
"Why did Elrond put a well here anyway?" asked the frog.  
  
Elladan shrugged. "I dunno... I think he was drunk at the time. He was hitting on Celeborn in front of Galadriel. Was out of action with injures for a year. But my golden stink bomb is in the bloody well!"  
  
"What will you give me if I fetch it?"  
  
"Whatever you want, dear frog," said Elladan. "My clothes, my jewels – even my crown!"  
  
The frog raised an eyebrow. "You're that desperate to have your stink bomb back?" he asked.  
  
"YES!!! That and I don't like my crown. It makes me look like a girl!" Elladan whined.  
  
"I don't want your clothes, your jewels, or your crown (Elladan swore). But if you will love me and be my friend, if I can eat off your plate and sleep in your bed, then I will get your golden stink bomb," said the frog.  
  
"I promise," said Elladan. "Anything you like." The frog dived into the well.  
  
'Gah, I hate frogs.....' Elladan thought. Elladan was extremely loathing towards frogs ever since that incident involving sheep, cows, turkeys, cheese and a drunk Elrond. But we're not going to tell you that story. You'll just have to figure it out for yourself.  
  
Soon the frog returned and in his mouth was the golden stink bomb. Delighted, Elladan snatched it up and ran home. "Wait! I can't run as fast as you!" croaked the frog.  
  
The next day, when Elladan was dining with Elrond (Arwen was stealing Glorfindel's horse), there came a knock at the door. When Elladan saw who it was, he slammed the door.  
  
"Who was that, Elladan?" Elrond asked.  
  
"A slimy frog," shuddered Elladan.  
  
"And what did the frog want?"  
  
"Why should I tell you?"  
  
"BECAUSE I'M YOUR FATHER, DAMNIT!!!!"  
  
"Fine, fine. Yesterday my golden stink- err, ball fell down a well and this frog fetched it. In return I promised he could be my friend. I never thought he would follow me home."  
  
"You must keep your promise," said Elrond. Elladan's mouth fell open.  
  
"WHAT?! But father, I HATE frogs!" he cried.  
  
"And whose fault is that?" Elrond asked with a smirk  
  
"Yours."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Never mind.... Stupid sheep... Stupid cows... Stupid turkeys... Stupid cheese... Stupid drunken dad..." Elladan grumbled as he opened the door and the frog hopped in. The frog said, "Lift me up." Elrond told Elladan to lift the frog onto the table.  
  
"Push your plate nearer so I can share your food," said the frog. He slurped up his share; Elladan barely touched his.  
  
Afterwards the frog said, "I'm tired. Let's go to sleep in your bed." Elladan looked like he was about to pop a vein, but Elrond told him, "You accepted hi help. You cannot turn him away."  
  
"Says the bastard that NEVER keeps ANY of his promises..." Elladan mumbled under his breath.  
  
He picked up the frog in two fingers, carried him to his room, and dropped him in a corner. But when he got into bed, the frog jumped onto his pillow and said, "I'll sleep here!"  
  
"Let me be!" cried Elladan and he threw him against the wall. To his amazement, the frog turned into a handsome prince!  
  
"I was turned into a frog by a wizard," the prince exclaimed. "But you promise of love has broken the spell! Now let us sleep, and in the morning we will go to my kingdom."  
  
Elladan blinked once. Twice. Then he sighed and said, "What did you do to Gandalf, Elrohir?"  
  
"Hey, it's not MY fault the old fart can't take a joke!"  
  
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Pyro: (Grins) I was deabating forever on the pairing for this. And then I thought about incest, but then I though "What if at the end Elrohir was a frog because he did something to Gandalf?" And thus the ending was born.... That's like an oxymoron....  
  
Elladan: What did you do to Gandalf, anyway?  
  
Elrohir: Tell me about the incident with the sheep, cows, turkeys, cheese and a drunk Elrond and then I'll tell you  
  
Elladan: Well, it was a dark and stormy night... 


	4. The Boy Who Combed Pearls

Disclaimer: I don't own LOTR or the fairy tales here. If I did I'd be filthy stinking rich right now

Title: The Elvin Book of Fairy Tales

Rating: PG-13

Pairings: Various

Warnings: OOCness, slash, random insane humor

Fairy Tale for Chapter: The Boy Who Combed Pearls (originally The Girl Who Combed Pearls)

Ethnic Origin: Portuguese

Author's Notes: THANKS YOU ALL THE REVIEWERS!!!

Chapter Dedicated To: Since she asked for a pairing, this chapter id dedicated to... CHESIERE CAT!!!! Thank you for reviewing! I LOVE YOUR STORIES!!!!

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There once lived a woman who had two sons named Legolas and Haldir. Haldir was a sailor. One day the mother fell ill. But no one was really surprised, because back in those days people got sick and died everyday. This was no exception.

She called Legolas to her and gasped, "I've nothing but this towel and comb. Use them and think of me." Then she died. Legolas wasn't sure what the hell to do with the towel, so he gave it to Haldir, even though he was supposed to dry himself with it everyday. But he kept the comb, because he was very careful with his hair, and a comb was of good use to him.

From that day one Legolas always combed his hair with his mother's comb. Each time he did so, pearls fell like tears from his hair. He told Haldir, who declared, "I'll take these pearls on my next trip and sell them."

"Well, what else would you do with them?" Legolas asked with a raised eyebrow.

Haldir cursed under his breath about smart-ass brothers.

Haldir sailed to a faraway land and showed the pearls to the king, Aragorn. Although how a common person got into see the king, we shall never know. Maybe it had something to do with Haldir killing all the guards with his arrows because they insulted him... Anyway, he also told Aragorn about his brother and the wonderful comb.

"Not only do I want these pearls," Aragorn exclaimed, "I want to see your brother, too. If what you say is true, I'll marry him. But if it's false, I'll put you do death."

"...... You mean that even though my brother's male, you're going to marry him just because he can comb pearls out of his hair?" Haldir asked.

"Yes. That, and it's an excuse to get out of marrying Arwen," Aragorn said with a shiver. "Gah... Arwen... Evil..."

So Haldir sailed home happily. Legolas was so delighted he couldn't resist telling his witchy neighbor Celeborn the news: "I'm going to be a... queen, I guess." (A/N: What would a male person married to the king be called anyway?)

"Since you're going to be so grand," Celeborn replied, "you won't mind my daughter Galadriel (A/N: Yes, I know Celeborn is her husband but this is FAN fiction, so I can do whatever I want) and me coming along, too."

"Yes, I do mind! You guys are weird and will destroy my image!" Legolas said.

"TOO BAD, BUB!! HALDIR'S OUR SERVANT, SO WE GET TO COME!! MWUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!" Celeborn cackled.

Legolas swore every curse in every language in the world at Haldir. Haldir fainted from the excessive use of foul language. Then Legolas kicked him in the ribs.

On the voyage, Celeborn gave Legolas poison and he fell down in a faint. His heart was stilled; not a breath stirred in his body. He was buried at sea by Haldir, who wept bitterly. Now he would never be rich and famous!

"Without my beloved brother, we must turn back, or Aragorn will have my head," he sighed. "Damn the person that put poison in his cup! Now I'll never be rich and famous!"

"And so just because you don't have Legolas you'll give up a fortune?" snapped Celeborn.

"I tend to think my life if worth more than money..."

"TOO BAD, BUB!!! YOU'RE OUR SERVANT, SO YOU'RE GOING TO THE KING AND WE'RE GOING TO PRETEND THAT GALDRIEL IS LEGOLAS SO THAT I WILL BE RICH AND FAMOUS!!!" Celeborn cackled. Then he had a coughing fit and almost died. But since Elves are immortal, he didn't. Pity...

"But, Galadriel is a girl, Legolas is a boy. And I already told Aragorn that Legolas was male. What're going to do about that?" Haldir said with a smirk.

"We're just going to say he did something to make Gandalf mad and that Gandalf cursed him!" Celeborn said happily. Haldir groaned.

They reached port and went to the Aragorn's castle. Everyone in the streets stopped to stare at the beautiful elves and Haldir ended up having to kill several people for trying to rape them.

Haldir presented Galadriel to Aragorn. "I have brought my brother to be your wife. And if you're wondering why he's a girl, it's because he did something to piss off Gandalf," the elf said.

Gandalf (who was standing next to the throne) was about to say he never did such a thing when he caught Celeborn's fierce glare. Instead he just said, "That's right! You never should have, uh... Dyed my underwear, uh... Pink, Legolas!" he said nervously.

Aragorn sighed. "Whatever. Let me see him, uh, her comb pearls from his, uh, her hair," he ordered.

Galadriel took out the comb, but instead of pearls, showers of dandruff speckled the carpet. First everyone spent about three minutes staring at the prospect of ANY elf having dandruff, then Aragorn spent another five minutes debating whether to be angry or marry Galadriel just to get out of marrying Arwen. Finally he decided to be angry, and had Haldir thrown into prison to await execution. Poor, poor Haldir. Let us mourn for him.

That day the castle cook went down to the sea to catch fish. Even though that was supposed to be the fish-catchers job. But this cook was really picky and had to do everything himself. So he went down to catch his own fish. On the beach lay a dead whale. After about an hour of mourning sobs that included "WHY?! WHY THIS POOR, BEAUTIFUL CREATURE?!?" and "WHY IS GOD SO CRUEL?!", the cook approached the whale to hug it, when he heard a voice crying "Let me out!" from inside the whale.

Now, since one normally doesn't hear a dead whale talking, the cook completely freaked out and started yelling "DEMONS ARE COMING!!! DEMONS ARE COMING!!! EVERYBODY RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!!!" until the authoress whapped him over the head with her trusty mallet and told him if he didn't stick to the plot, he'd get fed to Orcs. Needless to say, the Orcs were very disappointed when he chose to stick to the plot. So they just started eating each other instead.

The cook cut open the whale's belly- and out stepped a beautiful young man. And, as you've probably already guessed, it was Legolas. He told the cook a strange story indeed, which included magic whale fairies, flying monkeys and penguins with machine guns. But we're not going to go into that. So anyway, the cook didn't know what to think, so he hid him in an upstairs room at the castle. There Legolas spent his time gazing sadly from a tiny window, for his hair was messed up and he didn't have an Elvin hair care products.

One day he saw Haldir's dog (who had somehow gotten on board, even after being chained to a tree), Cylindra.

"How is Haldir?" he called.

"Waiting to die," the dog replied. No one should be surprised that he answered. This IS a fairy tale, after all.

Legolas confided in the cook (which is fancy talk for saying Legolas told him he was the boy who combed the pearls), who told Aragorn everything. Aragorn was so happy that he wouldn't have to marry Arwen that he danced. And sang in the shower. And kissed Gandalf. And then had a heart attack for doing it, because Gandalf hasn't had a shower in a while and tastes and smells very strongly of crap.

But Aragorn recovered quickly and the next day he and the cook hid and waited. But for what it doesn't say. They heard Legolas ask, "Cylindra, how is my brother?"

This time the dog replied, "He will die today."

It was at this point that Aragorn (who had been oogling at Legolas for about five minutes) could no longer restrain his libido and he pounced on Legolas. And then the two would have started shagging like bunnies in heat, but the authoress took her trusty mallet, whapped them both on the head and told them to follow the plot or get fed to Nazguls.

So Aragorn (reluctantly) got off Legolas and asked him to comb his hair with his mother's magic comb. When the elf did so, pearls cascaded onto the floor. So of course Aragorn married him (but he really could've cared less about the pearls; he just thought Legolas was REALLY hot) and set Haldir free. Haldir was so happy we went and got himself drunk. Which is actually very sad.

Celeborn and Galadriel would've been killed in Haldir's place, but I could never do that to them. So instead they have to be my servants for two months. MWUHAHAHAHAHA!!

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Pyro: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!! I FINALLY UPDATED!!! But now I have to go work on homework... Wah... Stupid teachers... DEATH TO SCHOOL!!! MWUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! (Sets her school on fire and then dances on the corpses) NEENER NEENER NEENER!!!

Legolas: --UUUUUUUUU Police...


End file.
